Baby-Led Weaning: A Short Questionaire


Okay, so it’s a great concept; your little sweetheart learns to love all kinds of solid food rather than having unidentifiable mush shoved down his/her pie-hole from the minute they’re off the boob.  In the long run (Zzzz) that’s great, but when the fourth piece of £20 per/kilo sea bass gets hurled to the floor, ‘long run’ might not be at the front of your mind. So, here’s a short questionaire to see if you’ve got what it takes to be a (baby-led) weiner:

What’s it all about?

Question 1:
Weaning means;
a) Accustom (an infant or other young mammal) to food other than its mother’s milk.
b) Crying at an inaudible pitch. Often used to describe dogs or children that are being force-fed lentils.
c) I don’t know.

Question 2:
When should we start?
a) Around the six-month mark, when they become physically able to feed themselves.
b) At 17, as they depart for Plymouth Agricultural College to begin a BTEC in Bovine Management.
c) I don’t know.

Question 3:
What are the advantages of introducing solid foods at such a young age?
a) Your little darling will learn to explore the numerous textures and tastes of real food, understanding what they like and what they don’t. And they’ll have fun too!
b) Your fitness and flexibilty will greatly improve, through endlessly picking up pieces of lovingly-prepared sweet potato from beneath their highchair.
c) I don’t know.

How will I deal with it?

Question 4:
You’ve had a long day, come home and spent a good hour creating a delicious meal for your wife and child. You sit down, take a sip of wine/beers/meths and watch as your littlun proceeds to chuck piece after piece of perfectly cooked chicken on to the floor. Do you…
a) Chuckle gaily, before turning to your partner and saying, with a light-hearted smile, “Ah bless. It’s all for the greater good.”
b) Feel something akin to heartburn, because – for the first time in your life – you feel personally responsible for the number of babies that die of starvation every day in the developing world.
c) I don’t know.

Question 5:
You’re off on holiday (oooh, anywhere nice?), feeding your little popsicle some pre-chopped fruit-chunks from a wee tupperware pot. She eats a couple, before deciding it’s more fun to lob them at the posh Swiss lady sat in the window seat. Do you…
a) Pluck the fruit apologetically from your neighbours linen trousers and offer the “Babies, what are they like!?” smile in your defence…before continuing with snacky-time. Only to repeat the process moments later.
b) Decide enough is enough. Put a lid on the tupperware. Put a lid on the baby led weaning. Pull out the emergency Cow and Gate Cheesy Vegetable Lasagne and shovel in into her little face until she gorges herself to sleep.
c) I don’t know.

Question 6:
Your little sweetheart develops a taste for rib-eye steak. She won’t eat anything else. Yes, it’s your own fault for feeding it to her in the first place, but what are you going to do?
a) We’ll buy more rib-eye steak of course! Maybe even look into organic, free-range mail-order meats. My little darling will have what she wants, don’t you know!
b) See if you can get away with stewing steak. Or mince. Maybe offal? Spam? F*ck knows. We could get a personal loan?
c) I don’t know.

Conclusion:

Mostly As: Buy the book. Buy the food. Prepare the food. Pick the food up off the floor. Again and again. When they get 9 As at GCSE* you’ll know it was all worth it.

Mostly Bs: There’s plenty of mush out there. It comes in jars and cartons and sachets…and apparently some of it is quite nutritious. Open it, spoon-feed it and relax. So they won’t feel a spiritual attachment to tenderstem broccoli when they’re older. Is that so important?

Mostly Cs: Seriously? Have you even got kids? Or are you still not sure they’re yours? Don’t you have some ketamine somewhere that needs doing?

* before going on to study at Plymouth Agricultural College.

 

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