I had a strange dream last night.
I was locked in Toys ‘R’ Us® on the Old Kent Road. The place was empty, except for me, Sue Barker and the endless racks of bright, plastic toys.
The lights began to flicker, before the main fusebox shorted and the entire store was plunged into twilight. Sue whimpered like a malnourished goat. With the air-conditioning now kaput, the temperature was beginning to rise. Creeping up past 30°C, 40°C, 50°C…The toys began to melt, forming a rapidly rising tide of multi-coloured molten plastic. I was in danger.
First things first; I taunted Sue Barker, who was scrambling up a stack of Monopoly® derivatives toward a tiny airvent, “You won’t make it Sue. You’re going to die here tonight!”
With that out of the way, I began to plot my escape. Time was of the essence, for the rising tide of molten tat was fast destroying everything in its path, including the 6ft Peppa Pig® on which I was stranded. I could barely hear myself think amid the cacophony of death, as every character from every Disney® franchise cried its last anodyne catchphrase…before submitting to hot, liquid hell. I cleared my mind. I had to move fast. Grabbing a Toy Story® Lasso, I hurled it around the Barbie® Swing Set to my right and leapt toward the exit.
The swing set collapsed and I plunged into an ocean of babbling, bubbling, boiling toyshit. I quickly taunted Sue Barker – who was now desperately clinging to a Hannah Montana® ceiling fan – before my head slipped beneath the surface, my eyes burnt shut and my battery died.
I looked under Sue Barker, Toys ‘R’ Us and Molten Toyshit, in a dream dictionary, but nothing. Not a clue.