Shower broken? Fed up of smelling like talcum powder and crayons? Or simply need something to cover up the smell of your unwashed hair and rancid breath? Well have a whiff of the Let’s Dad! guide to the most exciting celebrity fragrances on the market…
Ray Mears’ ‘Bush’ – £4.99 for 3 litres
Tagline says: ‘Everything you need to survive is right here, in Ray’s Bush’
Let’s Dad! says: As well as a traditional men’s aftershave, this versatile (and highly flammable) eau can be employed as a lubricant, antihistamine, disinfectant, accelerant, hallucinogen, insect repellent, pain-killer, sedative, mouthwash and even as a light stock for soups and broths. Limited Edition packs come with a pair of Khaki shorts and a whistle.
Danny Dyer’s ‘Slags’ – £25.00 for 500ml
Tagline says: ‘This is the real deal. Slap some on, you ponce’
Let’s Dad! says: Based on the smell of Ray Winstone’s cock, this powerful and uncomplicated potion packs a lengthy follow-through. It combines Saturday night at Yates’ Wine Bar, Croydon with Sunday morning in a pool of your own piss. Not for the faint-hearted.
Gordon Ramsey’s ‘Mercurial Jus’ – £59.00 for 250ml
Tagline says: ‘Bring her to the boil!’
What Let’s Dad! says: Bursting with ‘fiery masculinity’, this aggressive, meaty scent is like dousing yourself in horse-sweat then washing it off with pureed Sunday Roast. Loud, lamby, angry and slightly putrid, all in the same breath, this will have the ladies at your feet, begging to be undermined.
Bradley Wiggin’s ‘Le Tour de Homme’ – £29.99 for 500ml
Tagline says: ‘Ride all day. Ride all night. Le Tour de Homme’
What Let’s Dad! says: Reminiscent of Wayne Rooney’s ‘Tackle’, released in 2010, this is a real crowd pleaser. Rich, floral, occasionally brilliant, you feel like a champion from the first application. Not be used as an alternative to traditional methods of genital hygiene or to treat saddle-sore, as it’s a little too robust and can irritate the perineum.
Maybe try Tom Daley’s ‘Splashback’ instead.
Piers Morgan’s ‘Ultimate Me!’ – £125 for 125ml
Tagline says: ‘Smell my dream, taste my success’
What Let’s Dad! says: This heavy cocktail of horse musk, ox musk, dog musk, pig musk, goat musk, fox musk, cat musk, shrew musk, rat musk and musk is difficult to ignore. Obnoxious from the outset, it lingers in the nostrils like a dizzied farmyard. Can cause Foot and Mouth Disease, so should only be worn in urban areas.