Forget Hagler vs Hearns, Paxman vs Howard or Parky vs Emu,
this is the match-up you’ve all been waiting for! That’s right, it’s the:

Lindam Easy Fit Premium White Easy Close Stairgate

vs

Ikea’s Patrull Fast Safety Gate

Buckle up, because this sh*t is about to go off!

Round 1: Price & Availability

Bam! No contest here. The Lindam takes it easily, weighing in at around £22 compared with £35 for the Patrull. Added to that, you can order the Lindam from a myriad of online retailers (Kiddicare being ideal, due to their free delivery in designated 1hr slots) rather than having to trudge round a warehouse the size of Luxembourg.

Lindam 1 vs 0 Ikea

~

Round 2: Fitting

Oooh, what an upper-cut! The Patrull is on the ropes already. Why? Because you have to use screws to install the thing! Screws I tell you! As well as being an unnecessary ballache, this also means you’ll ruin your beautifully painted stairway (or outdated 80s wonderland, depending on how much time you’ve had to redecorate since you moved in). To install the Lindam on the other hand you simply twist a few bolts and it uses a ‘pressure-fit’ system to keep the gate firmly in place. Fear not though, it stays where it is under significant strain. Test it next time you’ve had one too many
Lambrinis and are struggling to make it upstairs.

Lindam 2 vs 0 Ikea

~

Round 3: Ease of use/difficulty of use

It’s a knockdown! The Lindam has a handy two-button latch, which is very easy to open with one hand and has so far managed to outwit our 15month old daughter, despite some serious investigation (followed by frustration and angry gate-rattling. The sign of a good stairgate, no?). I can’t comment on the Ikea Patrull, because after I realised you had to pepper the walls with rawl plugs and screws just to install it, I took it back and exchanged it for some other scandi tat.

Lindam 3 vs 0 Ikea

~

And the winner, by knockout in the third, is:

Despite a hatred for Ikea that borders on the pathological, it’s not often that their products are as ridiculously convoluted and poorly designed as the Patrull Fast Safety Gate. Maybe there was some kind of Scandi away-day when the Patrull got designed and the only person left in the studio was British? Either way, it’s a piece of sh*t. The Lindam on the other hand – particularly after having purchased, and subsequently returned, a Patrull – is like waking up next to Beyonce…having fallen asleep next to Cher.